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Wednesday, December 6, 2000

I lost it last night. Completely, utterly, totally lost it. It didn't last long, but there I was, lying on the floor, out of control. Crying as I hadn't for years. Out loud, in heaving, wailing sobs. For no good reason.

That's the part that gets me. I don't remember the last time I lost it that way, but I'm pretty sure I had a reason. Last night all that happened was that the electricity went off. It does that, two or three times a week, almost always late at night. It never lasts for more than half a minute, just enough to disrupt every electronic device in the house.

My meltdown didn't last much longer than that. I started to come out of it almost before I was ready to. It felt good, cathartic, to be so lost in unnamable emotion, but within a minute or two, even while it was still happening, I was analyzing it. That kind of took the edge off.

After a few minutes I was able to scrape myself off the rug and take a breath. I suddenly felt better than I had all day, refreshed, awake, untroubled. Maybe it was realizing that I had no problems serious enough to warrant that strong a reaction. Maybe it was more physical than that, just the expulsion of bad air from my body.

Almost the first thing I did when I got up was turn all the lights on in the house. Now, that might be asking for more trouble, considering what pushed me over the edge, but this constant dimness that I've been living in, trying to save the hard-to-change light bulbs, finally got to me. I did not turn the TV or stereo back on. Somehow the silence suited my recovery.

It was really the culmination of a day when I never felt comfortable, more than any single incident, that brought me down. It might have been the old bugaboo, lack of sleep, and I'm working on that. I've actually been doing better in that area lately. Or at least, that's what I thought before becoming a big crying baby ("I'm not tired!") last night.

I don't know. I reread yesterday's entry, and I didn't see this coming from anything I wrote at the time. It was obviously something I needed to go through, for whatever reason.

Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I woke up feeling different this morning. I had more energy and I was able to get some real work done for a change. Whatever I think I feel about my job (huh?), I know I feel better when I'm getting things done. When I can see my in basket shrinking, my whole outlook changes.

Another way I'm going to try to keep myself steady and calm is by posting my entries earlier in the day. That way I won't be tempted to stay up too late every night. My worst sleep problem isn't anything internal, other than not being able to go to bed early enough. I think I'll try it this way for awhile and see how it goes.

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