The situation remains fluid. The Boss has dumped the situation in my lap, because he knows I will be cautious. After all, if the company runs out of money, I’m the one the creditors will call and complain to. I write the checks, and I answer the phone. Well, I don’t actually answer the phone if I can tell from Caller ID that it’s someone asking for money, but I do have to listen to the messages they leave, and it can be quite unpleasant.

The Boss has decided that yes, I will get a Christmas bonus this year, and it will be almost as much as last year’s bonus. I wasn’t sure I’d get even that much, so I’m grateful. The other employees are being given about half of what they got last year, and since there are only half as many, the economy being in such a downturn and all, he plans to pay them in cash, from his own pocket. He will be reimbursed eventually, when there’s more money in the company account.

What he told me was that I could pay myself the whole amount of the bonus now, or wait until we have enough money to cover it and still pay all our creditors. He knows I won’t take the money unless I can also pay the bills, so he’s giving me the option of taking it piece by piece in smaller amounts. We can afford a small amount, and I probably will take what I think we can afford, rather than risk the eventual disappearance of the whole thing.

It’s kind of a sticky situation, because if I don’t take the bonus I’m cheating myself, but if I do, I could be blamed for mismanaging the bill paying. That’s why I hate money. I hate needing it, and I hate having it almost as much. Okay, I don’t really hate having it, but I hate having to decide what to do with it, which is the result of having it. This is almost worse than not getting a bonus, because then I could be angry with the Boss, instead of just frustrated with the whole situation.

I’m not ungrateful, just befuddled. I’ll have to look at it this way: I’m no better off than I was yesterday, but at least I’m no worse off.

On an entirely unrelated matter, today is Suzanne’s birthday. The day she was born is my earliest conscious memory, and one of the few vivid recollections from my childhood, which is mostly a haze. That’s why I hardly remember all the bad things I did to her when we were kids (or the ways she paid me back). Now, quite a few years later (sad to say), we are close (definitely not sad to say) and both know we can count on each other. It’s the way of siblings, isn’t it? You have to hack your way through a thicket of shared experience to get to a clearing where you know each other well enough to appreciate what that relationship means.