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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The situation remains fluid. The Boss has dumped the situation in my lap, because he knows I will be cautious. After all, if the company runs out of money, Iím the one the creditors will call and complain to. I write the checks, and I answer the phone. Well, I donít actually answer the phone if I can tell from Caller ID that itís someone asking for money, but I do have to listen to the messages they leave, and it can be quite unpleasant.

The Boss has decided that yes, I will get a Christmas bonus this year, and it will be almost as much as last yearís bonus. I wasnít sure Iíd get even that much, so Iím grateful. The other employees are being given about half of what they got last year, and since there are only half as many, the economy being in such a downturn and all, he plans to pay them in cash, from his own pocket. He will be reimbursed eventually, when thereís more money in the company account.

What he told me was that I could pay myself the whole amount of the bonus now, or wait until we have enough money to cover it and still pay all our creditors. He knows I wonít take the money unless I can also pay the bills, so heís giving me the option of taking it piece by piece in smaller amounts. We can afford a small amount, and I probably will take what I think we can afford, rather than risk the eventual disappearance of the whole thing.

Itís kind of a sticky situation, because if I donít take the bonus Iím cheating myself, but if I do, I could be blamed for mismanaging the bill paying. Thatís why I hate money. I hate needing it, and I hate having it almost as much. Okay, I donít really hate having it, but I hate having to decide what to do with it, which is the result of having it. This is almost worse than not getting a bonus, because then I could be angry with the Boss, instead of just frustrated with the whole situation.

Iím not ungrateful, just befuddled. Iíll have to look at it this way: Iím no better off than I was yesterday, but at least Iím no worse off.

13 December 2008

From my garden, looking west.

On an entirely unrelated matter, today is Suzanneís birthday. The day she was born is my earliest conscious memory, and one of the few vivid recollections from my childhood, which is mostly a haze. Thatís why I hardly remember all the bad things I did to her when we were kids (or the ways she paid me back). Now, quite a few years later (sad to say), we are close (definitely not sad to say) and both know we can count on each other. Itís the way of siblings, isnít it? You have to hack your way through a thicket of shared experience to get to a clearing where you know each other well enough to appreciate what that relationship means.

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