Having all my Christmas shopping done two weeks early (for once) is like having voted two weeks early. Only now, instead of ignoring political robo-calls I can run an email filter to delete all those messages from every place I’ve ever shopped, plus a whole lot of places I’ve never shopped. It’s inspiring (yet annoying) how many people find ways to find me, just because they want my money.

They’re not getting any more blood out of this turnip, though. I’ve spent all I can spend and I’ve done the best I could possibly do at making wishes come true. It’s just that I might have to convince some people to wish for what I’m giving them. My sales skills are a little rusty. I used to be pretty good, but I haven’t sold shoes for 25 years. I’ve been cooped up in my home office for most of the time since, and I’ve sort of forgotten how to talk to people.

Still, pretty paper and shiny new things speak for themselves, and they all come from the heart. Trust me, I’ve put a lot of thought into everything I’ve done for the holidays. That doesn’t mean it’s all going to turn out the way I hope it will, but I expect to get big points for trying. My family is pretty generous that way.

Now all that’s left, besides wrapping and delivering, is the waiting. As you know, I’m the Soul of Patience, but if another week goes by and the packages don’t start falling off the brown truck and onto my doorstep, panic is likely to set in. It’s happened before, is how I know. I’m not actually the Soul of Patience at all.

One gift, for a member of the family who shall remain nameless (although he’s not nameless any more), got screwed up at the store I ordered it from. They sent the wrong thing, something I can’t even use (because I don’t know anyone that size who would wear it). I made a desperate plea for the store to let me return the wrong thing and for them to send me the right thing. I hope it gets here on time, but as I said this (not really) unnamed person will not even make a personal appearance until next month.