This was one of those days that made me want to rethink my life but left me too tired to do it.

I guess I'm just not a multitasker.

I'm pretty good at getting something done if I'm allowed to
stay on track
and work through problems
and double check my figures
and troubleshoot
and get all the way to the end

without having to pause long enough to start something else,
that I probably won't be allowed to finish either
because something else will interrupt that,

and by the time the end of the day comes
I have one half-done project spread out all over my couch,
another all over the bed,
and something else in little piles all over the floor,
and if I had any other flat surfaces they would be covered, too.

Then I look back on what I think I accomplished today and see that my only hope is to keep working until midnight, because if I have to put things away and take them out again tomorrow it'll take half the morning to remember where I left off and the rest of it to get back to the point where I stopped today.

I know it's the nature of the job
to be responsible for everything that's going on in the office
and able to come up with whatever information the Boss needs at a moment's notice
and cater to his every whim
(well, not every whim)
and make it seem as if I'm not totally exasperated
and exhausted
and
(worst of all)
expendable.

So, not to go into too many depressingly tedious details that even I do not want to know about, I have this Big Project.

My Big Project usually takes me from January 1 until about March 15.

Last week I thought I'd finished the Big Project three weeks early.

Today I did some checking and discovered that I had not finished three weeks early,
or even two weeks early,
which it would be if I finished today.

Other projects,
not so big and not so important,
are keeping me from putting the finishing touches on the Big Project.

Even though these other projects are not as big and important,
they are projects that have a shorter shelf life
and therefore have to be attended to now,
taking me away from the chance to finish the Big Project today.
Or tomorrow.
Or the day after that.

Maybe the day after that, because it's the weekend by then and if I put in enough of my own time I know I can get it done.

But it's not really a matter of what I get done and when,
at least not in my mind.

My mind.

My mind works better when it works lineally,
when it can go from point A
to point B
and then to point C.

If it has to make a detour to point X
and a pit stop in point Y
and then take a six-month sabbatical on the Isle of Z,
it gets jet lag.
It gets light headed.
It slips on the ice, pulls a muscle and cracks its tailbone.

The more I have to do at any one time,
the longer it takes for any of those things to get done,
and the less likely each one is to be done right the first time.

And that's what gets me to this point, where I'm babbling at length.

I need sleep,
even more than I need to get any more work done tonight.