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Thursday, June 26, 2003

It's amazing what you can do to turn things around, simply by being aware. I knew I was making myself miserable yesterday, but I couldn't do anything about it except let things flow. I don't know if it's clinical, but I'm up and down all the time (as you know if you've been here long). I'm not sure I really want a diagnosis, at least not today when everything seems more or less groovy.

So, as predicted, I'm all jolly and stuff today. I had some help, I won't deny that. One of the benefits of laying it all out here, exposing every emotion no matter how raw (okay, I don't really go that far), is that people care. I still have a hard time believing it, but it's true. And it helps more than they know.

I got the fan out last night and sat in front of it. That might have helped, or maybe it was just the fact that I was doing nothing at the time except sitting. I can't have the fan on me when I work. Papers tend to blow every which way, and with my chaotic vertical filing system, it's hard enough to keep track of what I'm doing. So, sittin' and chillin' was the way to go.

As much as I love and crave the hot weather, a little relief would not be unwelcome. Let's not go overboard with the cooling off period, though. It seems like it's been November forever.

No matter how hard I work this time of year, the piles of work keep getting higher. That being the case, my attitude could well be "why bother?" But I plug along, getting enough done to satisfy my need to feel "useful" but not doing enough that anyone else would describe me that way.

In fact, that's how I ended up taking a long nap this afternoon. It was simply the most useful thing I could think of to do at the time. What I didn't expect was to have the most vivid dream, which slipped away (as do all my dreams) as soon as I started to wake up. That's the only way I know I dream at all. I never remember the details of them, only that I've had one.

And for some reason I always try to stay in them. The dreams I have just before I wake up must transport me to some wonderful place where I'm confident, competent, and — oh, I don't know, popular? No wonder I resist getting up in the morning. No wonder I hate the clock radio so much that I pound on the snooze bar four or five times before falling out of bed at the last possible minute.

That's how it was with this nap today. If it weren't for bodily urges, I'd probably still be sleeping. (I just had to pee, in case you were thinking I meant anything else.) I don't know what great things I was doing in that dream, but it was probably better than the bill-paying I went back to after my bathroom break.

25 June 03

Here's that rose. See it now?

Life is funny. (And you can quote me.) I'm at my best when I'm asleep. I'm most articulate when there's no one around to hear me. (I really need a mini voice recorder, so you'll know how clever I am when talking to an invisible audience as I walk down the street.) And I'm in the best mood after a miserable day like yesterday.

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I'm up to chapter 24, more than halfway through, and I no longer consider Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix to be J.K. Rowling's Phantom Menace. (No wonder I've been in a bad mood!) There's an awful lot of bureaucratic infighting for a children's book, but at least there haven't been any trade disputes yet.

Recent recommendations can always be found on the links page.

One year ago: Side Benefit
"But if you're thinking of telling me that I sure have a lot of weeds there, don't I?, or if you're inclined to give me advice, your best option is to keep still. Or lie, as long as you make me believe it."

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Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with person man?
Degraded man, person man.