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Thursday, March 7, 2002

Some days when I work the whole day it's what I want to be doing more than anything in the world. Today I did it out of obligation. Maybe it was the way the sun fought its way through the clouds today, but something had my mind on a tether, trying to drag it away from its duties.

It's best at times like this to let my mind wander and do things that don't require active engagement. I find I can tick off three or four items from the to-do list without so much as a singly fully-formed thought.

I guess I don't mind having a job that doesn't require full use of my head and heart. I have other uses for them, and nothing that anyone will derive more benefit from than I will myself. My choices aren't exactly what I ever dreamed they would be, but when I roll through a day with not much friction, I can live with the way things are.

And besides, I suppose the choices were there, if I'd known how to make them.

What I believe about the path I've taken is that it's equal parts luck and confidence. I've had more of the former than the latter, but enough of the latter and maybe not quite enough of the former. By which I mean that with a little more luck, I would have had the confidence to make better decisions and bolder choices. Forks in the road, turning points, moments of truth. Surely there will be more of these in the future. I'm happy to live with the way things are going, for now.

a cloudy day

A cloudy day.

I was going to expand on those thoughts, but I don't really have anything to add, other than disclaimers. I'm good at disclaimers. For example: Nothing I write here should be taken to mean that I think my highs and lows are more valid than anyone else's. Whatever I've done with my life, I recognize that I've had more chances than most of the people who ever lived. Anything I write here is filtered through each day's experience and likely to change with the weather, or the moon and tides, or any unforeseen circumstances. And fortunately, unforeseen circumstances abound, even in the most sheltered, quiet life.

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