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Thursday, May 15, 2003

Oh, the things that haunt you in the middle of a sleepless night. I feel a little like a ghost myself sometimes, wandering through the hallways of my own life. At four o'clock in the morning, I can believe almost anything as long as it's something dire.

Some of it is the dark, and the isolation. I'm alone in this house in the country, but I don't feel alone during the day. Maybe that's why I turn on the TV as soon as the sun goes down. Maybe it's why I don't turn it off and go to bed as any sane person would do. Maybe it's why I couldn't stop watching last night until I learned whether Joey had chosen Dawson or Pacey.

As soon as it's quiet, and the house starts creaking and groaning, it puts me in the mood to feel the weight of all my bad decisions, smothering me like a blanket. Anything that looks rosy during the daylight hours is suddenly cast in shadows. Sinister possibilities come skulking out from under the furniture. Fear is a real presence in the night air.

It's not that I take my responsibilities lightly, but while I'm working I don't let them oppress me. During the time I'm actually doing my job, it doesn't seem important to cross every T and take every calculation out to the thousandths place. Those details become important only when everything else is put to bed, and I'm left with no one's voice in my ear by my own. It's a dangerous thing, hearing oneself think.

That's how two o'clock becomes three o'clock becomes four o'clock. That's how I end up trying to get an hour or two of sleep after the sun has already started coming up the next day. It's why I'm cranky and testy and short-fused so much of the time lately. But at least I woke up this morning knowing which one Joey ended up with. That helped put the demons to rest for one more day, until at least tonight. Then I either will or won't go through it all again.

6 May 03

The cloudy eastern sky.

I'd been so afraid all week that I wouldn't get a chance to have lunch with Suzanne today, but I worked it out. I had the grilled calamari burger at The Wharf, and we had a good talk. So many things are happening these days with people who used to be a daily part of my life. It's hard just catching up every few weeks. I did get a visit from Eric last night, when he drove by to pick up a video tape I had for him. These now infrequent points of contact help keep the whole picture intact. Once the screen goes blank on a relationship, even a close one, it can be hard to tune it back in again.

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No movie tonight, because Mom and I went to Rohnert Park to see "Fiddler on the Roof" on stage. I'd forgotten what a warm, lively show this is, this story of a man being pulled reluctantly away from the traditions he holds so dear, as time and events and his five daughters force him to find new traditions. This production was full of energy and humor, well staged and beautifully performed. Hurry, though; it closes Sunday.

Recent recommendations can always be found on the links page.

One year ago: Can't Be Sick
"I tried it both ways and it didn't seem to matter. I was going to be snurfling and hawrking no matter what."

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There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.