I wish I could make up my mind. Either taking this ASL class was the dumbest idea I ever had or the best idea. It depends on whether you ask me before or after the actual class meeting. The fear of failure saps my energy all day long, and while I'm there I'm a little nervous. But as soon as the class ends, I have a huge burst of enthusiasm and a satisfying feeling of empowerment.

That was especially true tonight, when the teacher went out of his way to throw a couple of compliments in my direction. (I threw a couple back, by the way, and he understood them. Which, when you think about it, proves that we're both right. We're good.) Joe even told me to go home early, so he could work one-on-one with the students who needed his help.

More, that is. Students who needed his help more. Because he did help me with my story, and I'll definitely be ready for the five-minute storytelling final next week. That doesn't mean I'll do well, because there's at least a small chance I'll freeze up when he turns on the video camera. But hey. What's life without a little cliffhanging adventure once in a while?

Still, I think I'll be kind of glad when this is all over. Maybe I'll even deal with life's other little annoyances better, once I've put this class behind me. At any rate, I'll have one less excuse for not plunging ahead with my other work. I'm not saying I'll catch up on my filing, but maybe I won't get behind on bill paying again. And maybe all the pointless interruptions won't bother me the way they've been doing lately. I think it's fair to hope for that much.

But I'll miss the boost the class gives me every week. It's a setting where I feel competent and content with myself. I've never done anything better than school, and it's been a lot of years since school was the center of my life. It was wasted on me back then, because my academic strengths were outweighed by my social limitations. This is a little slice of the happier memories, without all the bad parts.

Joe also told Suzanne she could leave early (which is good, since we came in the same car). He said he could tell we've been practicing, and he knows we work together. Maybe some of the other kids could do as well as we did if they could put in as much time. Their excuse is two or three other classes, which is fine. We don't have that to deal with. We just have real life and jobs and rent payments and grocery bills and high weeds and (in my case this week) jury duty.