I had an epiphany today (and you know how painful that can be). I realized that there aren’t enough hours in the day to waste as much time as I feel like wasting. I know that most people came to this realization some time between their sophomore and junior years in high school. I’m sure I knew it then, too. Maybe it’s just that I’ve come late to the notion that wasting time is a good thing.

Shortly after this illumination came to me, I was reminded that I earn every rusty penny that comes my way. No matter how much time I fritter away, there are thing I do that nobody else can do. No one else in the company would have spent an hour on the phone with Tim, listening to him rant about the Boss and ramble on and on about company finances (a subject that makes my eyes glaze over in five minutes, so you can imagine how I felt after an hour).

And then, just as the day was winding down and I could actually waste time on my own time instead of wasting company time, the Boss called with a question so obscure that I found myself rummaging through file boxes on the floor as it got darker and darker in the house. By the time this was over my back was killing me and my eyes were watering, and in the end I had to make up an answer anyway, because I couldn’t find the one piece of paper that would have solved the mystery. I was exhausted and aching and cranky.

Worst of all, there was no more time to waste, because I’d run out of it.

Sadly, the only way I’ve been able to find enough time to waste lately is by staying up half the night. And by half, I mean more like three-quarters. For two nights in a row I’ve still been awake at four o’clock in the morning. Even for a night person, that’s ridiculous, and it doesn’t make getting up the next day (or even later the same day) any easier.

It’s not that I want to stay up all night, but when I don’t get a chance to do what I want to do (really, what I need to do, even though in a literal sense it’s probably a waste of time to do anything but eat, sleep and work), I can’t force myself to wind down until I feel that I’ve wasted all the time I possibly can that day (or the previous day).