If you catch me when I’m grumpy and tired, as I was today, you get a whole different person. I might tell you what I really think of you. If you’re the Boss, that could get me in trouble. But you’re either so surprised that I insulted you that you don’t know what to say, or you’re so oblivious that you don’t realize what I said.

On the extremely other hand, if you’re the insurance agent and I usually don’t give you the time of day (if I can help it), you might be surprised when you call and I start cracking jokes with you. You don’t need to know that this is what I do when I’m punchy from lack of sleep (or drunk, which was definitely not the case today). All you need to know is that I have this charming side to my personality, and then you can maybe treat me a little better the next time I need something from you. Thanking you in advance, and all.

If you’re an inanimate object, I might have tripped over you today. If you’re something I tried to pick up, I probably dropped you. If you were my water glass, sitting next to me on my TV table, you already know that I knocked you over and spilled your contents all over four remotes. If you’re the wall, I’m sorry I punched you.

It’s a good thing the weekend is here, so I can catch up on sleep. Tomorrow I’ll be around people I don’t want to insult, even by accident. I don’t want to drop anything, because it might be a baby. I wouldn’t mind losing the inhibitions just enough to get a few laughs, but I’d rather not be laughed at for walking through a screen door (although this has happened, more than once, at such gatherings). I’ll be hoping for the best, and more or less expecting it.