Okay, this isn't what I had in mind. One day, that's all I wanted (or maybe two) away from all the problems of the office. But I live at the office, and this was the day the Boss decided to "get some paperwork done." There was a message on my answering machine and a tray full of faxes before I even got out of bed this morning.

Oh, do we have problems, and of course none of them can wait until Monday. Am I sure the insurance company isn't double billing us? Well, I asked our agent and he confirmed that we should be paying all those bills. Am I really, really sure? No, I'm never really, really sure of anything. I'm only really, really sure I don't want to be having this discussion on a Saturday.

Just one more thing. (Thanks, Columbo.) How am I cost coding the expenses on Tim's credit card, if he isn't giving me the information? Well, (sez I) I'm not. I'm calling everything I don't understand a "miscellaneous expense," until I get a breakdown from him. How far behind am I? Um, here's a credit card statement from last January that he hasn't coded yet, so I guess it's more than a couple of months.

Each of these conversations ended (when they ended, after several phone calls each) with something like, "Don't worry about this. I'll take care of it." This is his way of telling me to enjoy my day off, I guess. Ha! Too late for that, buddy. What else you got?

My watering therapy has turned into watering torture, in the space of just two days. Yesterday my flat hose started spraying water randomly. Today I bought a new hose. A round one, like the green, rubbery ones I remember from my idyllic childhood (or was that somebody else's childhood?). It would have been perfect if I could have screwed the spray nozzle on without having it leak all over.

I'm such a loser that I'm the only person in North America who doesn't have any duct tape. Even though I know duct tape (along with WD-40) makes the world spin properly on its axis, I didn't have any when I needed it. I tried threading and rethreading the nozzle on the end of the hose. I tried it with and without a washer. I even tried plastic tape, in the absence of duct tape, but that only helped direct the spray back at my face.

After I got the leak down to a trickle, I watered the garden anyway. I guess I need a new spray nozzle. If not, another new hose. The least I need is some duct tape to try to seal the thing. By the time I was finished my clothes were soaked and my shoes were soggy. Not only that, I was also dripping with sweat, so the moisture quotient was fairly high.

Anyone else would have figured out what to do. I have no comfort level with tools and hardware. They might as well be surgical instruments or knitting needles. Or cooking utensils. (Wow. There are a lot of things I'm not good at, aren't there?) When something goes this wrong, I blame no one but myself and my inability to perform simple tasks that a four-year-old could do blindfolded.

I'll try another nozzle, and if that doesn't work, I'll bring in some duct tape. If nothing else helps, I'll have to try another hose. We incompetents keep the economy strong (ha) by providing valuable employment for home improvement retailers and their suppliers.

Why can't Saturday have about 30 or 36 hours in it? That way I could stumble my way through whatever maze of crises I construct for myself, and still have time to get something productive done. Or relax. I really wanted to relax today, do some reading, watch some TV, listen to some music. Maybe tomorrow, unless I decide it would be a better idea to stay in bed all day.