doubts

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I’m satisfied that I did the best I could with January, but I’m really looking forward to a fresh start in February. I know these are artificial boundaries that mean nothing, but I can’t help it. Any excuse to reload and take a little better aim is good enough for me. If only I could restart this week, because I wasted my Monday and spent all of Tuesday trying not to fall any further behind.

January was a muddy mess of an ordeal for me, but it was good in one way. When I paid my utility bill yesterday, it was way down from last month. I’d been working to keep the thermostat lower and bundle up more, and it helped. And I’ve been keeping to my resolution not to buy CDs and DVDs for myself, so I’m in a lot better shape financially than I was a month ago. Of course, that could probably be said about every January, because I spend so much every December.

Mostly, though, I can say that what had to be done in January got done in January, and with two days to spare at that. I know I can always say that at the end of January, but that doesn’t mean I ever believe it halfway through. I tell myself, and I allow other people to tell me, and yet I still have doubts, always. I will again next year. No doubt about that.

Cloud racers.

February has its own set of challenges, but there’s one thing about the month that I can fall back on if I have to. Most of the deadlines in February are self-imposed, and that means that if I don’t make it, it’s not a catastrophe. In fact, that’s probably the reason that my Big Project usually carries over into the middle of March. My goal is to finish it by the end of February this year, for once. I know I can do it. And if I say I doubt that I will, it’ll only make me try harder to get it done. I’ll know in about four weeks how well my self-motivation is working.

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Stuff

The thankless job of giving the Democratic was response to the State of the Union tonight was handed over to a rising star in the party, Tim Kaine, the governor of Virginia. To say that he wasn’t up to the task is an understatement. I for one couldn’t stop staring at his eyebrows, so it’s hard to know what he said other than “better way better way better way,” whatever that’s supposed to mean. Where was Congressman John Murtha, who could have given a true rebuttal rather than a tepid stump speech? Safely out of the way, no doubt, because the party doesn’t want to call attention to the fact that he’s one of the few politicians fearless enough to propose an alternative. (My own response is here.)

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One year ago: Imperfection
"I’m very happy to know so many imperfect people, because there isn’t a single one of them who doesn’t give me something special that I couldn’t get from someone who was perfect in every way."

Two years ago: Second Hand
"It means a lot to me that her well-being matters to so many people."

Three years ago: Surveillance
"This is the price we pay for upgrading, when 'upgrade' means the same thing as 'let me see how much more I can insinuate myself into your life and do your thinking for you."

Four years ago: Prerecorded
"A big chunk of my heart and way too much of my brain still reside in that era, without the bad skin and the cracking voice, but still with the feeling that I don't fit in."

Five years ago: Meet in the Middle
"Monday was a day when I just couldn't see the forest, because all the trees kept falling on top of me. Today they're just throwing apples, and I'm dodging."

Six years ago: Don't Blame Me
"I really do like my job, but I hate the business. The construction industry has to be one of the most cutthroat enterprises there is."

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All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.