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Of all the things I need to get rid of, this roll around my middle is probably the one I’d most like to say goodbye to. Twenty minutes of mowing once a week (and only when it doesn’t rain) isn’t going to do it. I’ve cut down on dietary excesses already, but that’s only half the battle (maybe less). I hate repetitive exercises, so I’m going to have to come up with a plan. And then, somewhere down the line, I’m going to have to put that plan into action. I’m wearing myself out just thinking about it.
Somehow I’d also like to get rid of that blue-black cloud that’s always hanging either just over my head, or just out of sight around the corner, ready to turn the whole world heavy and dark. I work on it, truly I do. It’s not visible all the time, or even most of the time these days. I can’t quite play the role of the sunny optimist, but I can now sometimes allow myself to remember that the darkness always passes, usually sooner than later. It’s not easy, though.
Nor is it easy to get rid of the sensation that I’m not good enough. Every human interaction is fraught with the danger that I’ll be rejected, or worse, overlooked. I’ve had so much experience being ignored that I’ve come to think of it as the norm. It’s what I deserve, I tell myself, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. So I work on it, and I lean heavily on my family and friends to remind me that I have some value. I’m not always convinced, but I can leave the door to that possibility slightly ajar. |
