It’s not as if I control the weather, but I’m a little sorry I was so thrilled with the cooler temperature yesterday, because whoever does control the weather dialed it down even more today. And as much as I’ve suffered in the hottest summer on record, I’m still not ready for winter. The happy fog bank of yesterday turned into a gloomy pall today. I even had to have my windshield wipers on when I went out on my errands this morning.

All morning I argued with myself about what to do while I was out. Last night I made a grocery list, with the intention of hitting the supermarket after the post office. I was still thinking about that plan right up until I left the house, but then I decided I needed to gas up my car. So left my grocery list home.

I used to be able to do the two tasks on the same outing, but now that I have the new company gas card it’s awkward. In order to get from the gas station to the market, I’d have to fishtail across three lanes of angry traffic within less than half a block at the most congested time of the day. I’m hardly ever up for that. I’m more the kind of person who will make three right turns to avoid one left.

Then I got out on the road and went back and forth (in my mind, that is) about whether to get gas or just go to the post office and come home. I didn’t really need gas, not critically, but I also didn’t know when this week I’d have a better chance to get it. Still, I’d made up my mind not to do it today, until I came out of the post office and got back in the car. Then without even thinking about it I took the left turn toward the gas station instead of the right turn toward home.

And immediately after my tank was filled up, I felt this amazing sense of relief, because I knew I wouldn’t have to go to the gas station again for two weeks or so. It’s a bit stupefying how much mental effort I’ll put into avoiding doing something I don’t really want to do. It’s not even that I hate getting gas or have a phobia of it (not any more, anyway). I’ll often just put more effort into not doing these things than it would take to do them.

Yesterday started with overcast and ended with just enough sunshine. Today we never saw the sun at all, and it reminded me of why I don’t like winter. It’s not the cold (although I like it warm) or the rain (but I prefer it dry). It’s the darkness. I hate those long winter days that are like night all day. They give me an overwhelming feeling of dread, and they totally sap the energy out of me. I’ll always take a few extra days of swelter over the endless doom of winter.