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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Is it better to change your life yourself, or to have your life changed for you? Iíve never been good at change, unless it was something forced upon me. I always think back to Christmas 1985, when Iíd just lost the best job I ever had and the last one I ever wanted.

A few months before, when the man who was my boss took me to lunch and told me he was replacing me with someone else, I asked him, almost begged him, to let me stay on in a lesser role, just so I wouldnít have to move, or look for a new job, or lose the friends Iíd made at that place. I was so desperate for things not to change that I made myself less than I deserved. Needless to say, it didnít work out, but even at the end, after a few more miserable months, it still wasnít my choice to leave.

Hanging on had done me no good. I moved back in with my parents for a time, and took jobs that I hated, and tried to make the best of things until I could get going again. The job I have now grew out of a desperate search, and it was only the best of a poor list of possibilities, not anything I expected to be doing for the rest of my life.

This job has never been as much fun as the other one, the one before, but itís been safe and steady. Itís led me to a place where I feel secure for the rest of my life. And itís given me freedom to do other things. I might not have my own web site and all my online friends, and all the time to pursue those kinds of interests, without the latitude I was given in this job, and the time Iíve spent unsupervised. In a way, the job has given me back more than I ever gave to it. It would never have come to this if Iíd been left to my own devices and plotted my own path.

22 March 2009

Through the garden.

Thatís not to say my life wouldnít have been better, but who knows? Iím content with the life I have. And now Iím changing it — for the better, I hope — on my own and with nobody telling me I have to or advising me that I should. Iím taking a leap forward into a healthier way of eating, and it might even lead to other changes in my life. I already know itís giving me something to look forward to, which I havenít always had. Iím not afraid to make this change, this time.

I guess Iíve changed since that Christmas all those years ago.

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